Sunday, March 6, 2011

Difficult

Today was a difficult day. Most days I handle all of this pretty well...manage to take all of it with a smile. But today was just not that day.

I was reflecting on the lyrics of a song I recently came across (I won't tell you how, because it will forever brand me as a geek) called 'After the Storm'. The artist is Mumford & Sons. Looking at these lyrics, I am at a loss to explain how 4 men could possibly so perfectly describe being the mother to a special needs kiddo. To me, these lyrics follow the emotional roller coaster that this ride truly is--the anger, the loss, the okayness and the not okayness, the determination and restructuring of your entire belief system, the deeply profound lessons and the injustices, the hopelessness and the hopefulness. Check it out.




And after the storm
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand,
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land ,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears,
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew,
I saw exactly what was true,
But oh no more,
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh, God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.


I love the last two lines. I think as special needs parents it is beyond easy to fall into the role of caregiver/parent and nothing else. I know I have gotten there--I have lost so, so much of myself. I neither regret that nor begrudge Dakin that: it is my distinct privilege to serve him, not just as caregiver but also as mommy. It's a role I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. But I have lost much of me in the roller coaster of emotion. And now it's time to get some of me back. Time to let go of some of that anger and fear and hopelessness. Time to find out what's over that hill, with grace in my heart and flowers in my hair.

11 comments:

Tara said...

First, I am so sorry you had a difficult day. If you lived closer, I'd come give you a hug and palate of cookies. Don't dismiss that as trivial, my husband's cookies are first rate.

Second, I love this group! They have become a recent fav of mine. Their sound and lyrics are profound. I didn't know this don't song so thanks for sharing.

Third, you know it is coming... can I share this in kidz?

Hope tomorrow is better.((hugs))

ever hopeful mummy said...

omg! i have only just stumbled across your blog in the last few weeks and dip in and out of it. this post resonates so, so very strongly with me. I have been listening to Mumford & Sons on lopp, in particular a song called "Timshel":


"Cold is the water
It freezes your already cold mind
Already cold, cold mind
And death is at your doorstep
And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

And you are the mother
The mother of your baby child
The one to whom you gave life
And you have your choices
And these are what make man great
His ladder to the stars

But you are not alone in this
And you are not alone in this
As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand
Hold your hand

But I will tell the night
And Whisper, "Lose your sight"
But I can move the mountains for you"

It resonates strongly because we are early on in our journey with SMA and the line "And it will steal your innocence
But it will not steal your substance" is where I am at at the moment...

I understand what you mean about losing a little of yourself, too... I think that we have a lot in common... and as the sons says "you are not alone in this"...

Take care of yourself, emotionally, physically and spiritually. you will find yourself... i hope for the same for me too...

get in touch of you would like to share this journey

Busy as a Bee in Paris said...

hang in there! you're a courageous girl! your little guy is amazing!

Stitch 'N Love said...

Oh my sweet friend!!!! That song goes along with a topic that we have been working on in my Wednesday night study class... Walking in the Valley...

You are a great mom and there is nothing wrong with finding yourself again! God has great plans for you and the family, I just know it!!!!

Hugs all around :)

April said...

Oh, I'm so sorry it was a tender day... I love the last paragraph of that song.... perfect. Sending you all my love as you find yourself again.

Devon said...

Tara: sure, that is fine by me!

Kristen said...

Thank you for sharing that song. I too am ready to let go of some of that anger and get over that hill with flowers in my hair. It's too bad that the path sometimes seems to wind so much.

You are amazing!

Sending giant HUGS your way.

Kristen said...

I also wanted to tell you that I am so proud of you for trying running. It is a huge stress relief for me as long as I don't stress myself out about doing it! : )

Zoey's mom said...

Sending you love during these difficult moments.Knowing,part of the process and the journey, is having these days.

You are the best mommy to your sweet guy.That is apparent in every post.But before you were his mommy,you were just you.I guess sometimes it is about the balance between the two.At least for me.

Sending you prayers for your journey over the hill ... pick a daisy for that beautiful hair of yours.It would be perfect!

Whit, Lindsey, Jonas, and Maggie said...

Love these guys...saw them for the first time on the Music awards show. Didn't know their name, but now I do...thanks to you. I'm so curious how you found them making you a nerd? There's no nerds in my book. :)
Thanks for sharing..I love music and how it touches your heart. You always find the perfect songs.

beth said...

Hope today's been a better day...look again..you already have grace in your heart, it may have just been hiding for awhile..