Difficult

Today was a difficult day. Most days I handle all of this pretty well...manage to take all of it with a smile. But today was just not that day.

I was reflecting on the lyrics of a song I recently came across (I won't tell you how, because it will forever brand me as a geek) called 'After the Storm'. The artist is Mumford & Sons. Looking at these lyrics, I am at a loss to explain how 4 men could possibly so perfectly describe being the mother to a special needs kiddo. To me, these lyrics follow the emotional roller coaster that this ride truly is--the anger, the loss, the okayness and the not okayness, the determination and restructuring of your entire belief system, the deeply profound lessons and the injustices, the hopelessness and the hopefulness. Check it out.

And after the storm
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
On my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand,
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land ,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears,
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew,
I saw exactly what was true,
But oh no more,
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have
That's why I hold.

I will die alone and be left there
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh, God knows where.
Because death is just so full and mine so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears,
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.


I love the last two lines. I think as special needs parents it is beyond easy to fall into the role of caregiver/parent and nothing else. I know I have gotten there--I have lost so, so much of myself. I neither regret that nor begrudge Dakin that: it is my distinct privilege to serve him, not just as caregiver but also as mommy. It's a role I wouldn't trade for anything in this world. But I have lost much of me in the roller coaster of emotion. And now it's time to get some of me back. Time to let go of some of that anger and fear and hopelessness. Time to find out what's over that hill, with grace in my heart and flowers in my hair.